[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
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Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.