*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
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I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces
“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.