@AndrewNadeau0

{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.

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@AnniemuMary

Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.

@peb671

Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”

@OrdinaryAlso

I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.

@DrakeGatsby

Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.

Me: You had me at “get drunk.”

Friend: I didn’t say that.

Me: It’s a no from me.

@LurkAtHomeMom

You ran a 5k? Like on purpose or do you just have a lot of bees in your neighborhood?

@DiamondLou69

Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.

@diaruba74

I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.

@VerbsRProudest

mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.