@AnniemuMary
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
@AndrewNadeau0
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
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@AnniemuMary
@BakedBrotatoes
HOT SHINGLES IN YOUR AREA
GET YOUR VACCINE AT WALGREENS TODAY
@peb671
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
@OrdinaryAlso
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
@DrakeGatsby
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
@LurkAtHomeMom
You ran a 5k? Like on purpose or do you just have a lot of bees in your neighborhood?
@DiamondLou69
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
@OfficiallyIce
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
@diaruba74
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
@VerbsRProudest
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.