@AndrewNadeau0

{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.

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@BackrowSeats

You might think you’re smart until you try using someone else’s microwave.

@lilgapeach30

Who the hell decided “have a happy period” was an okay thing to write on maxi pads? “NOT WORTH THE JAIL TIME” would have been more relevant.

@chagger73

I only watch Storage Wars to see if they find my ex’s body.

Just kidding. I like the show.

And she’s buried in the woods.

@WilliamAder

Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.

@DanMentos

BOB THE BEER DROPPER: I make the worst decisions
ME: hold my beer

@Stap_Jr

Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.

@andylassner

I’m always sad when I see a homeless person or someone with a Blackberry.

@starrysappho

my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….

me: *hits download*