@BackrowSeats
You might think you’re smart until you try using someone else’s microwave.
@AndrewNadeau0
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
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@BackrowSeats
@lilgapeach30
Who the hell decided “have a happy period” was an okay thing to write on maxi pads? “NOT WORTH THE JAIL TIME” would have been more relevant.
@chagger73
I only watch Storage Wars to see if they find my ex’s body.
Just kidding. I like the show.
And she’s buried in the woods.
@WilliamAder
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
@Marlebean
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
@DanMentos
BOB THE BEER DROPPER: I make the worst decisions
ME: hold my beer
@CornOnTheGoblin
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
@Stap_Jr
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
@andylassner
I’m always sad when I see a homeless person or someone with a Blackberry.
@starrysappho
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
