{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.

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Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.


Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”


I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.


Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.

Me: You had me at “get drunk.”

Friend: I didn’t say that.

Me: It’s a no from me.


You ran a 5k? Like on purpose or do you just have a lot of bees in your neighborhood?


Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.


I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.


mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.