[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
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As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
I can also cook 😂
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
when dads have a rap battle
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.