*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
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I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
#Caturday
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream