*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack

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As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.


Angel: “I think we can all agree that 6 is enough.”
God (clearly upset about something else): “NO. GIVE SPIDERS 8 LEGS.”


Loan officer: What’s your social?

Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.


Ladies: we’re not fooled by your PMS trickery. I see how happy you are in those tampon commercials.


I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.


911: what’s your emergency

Me: I can’t find my lizard

911: do you have any details

Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it


*takes a long drag from a cigarette

*points at your baby

What’s wrong with your dog?


After months and months on my weight loss supplement, I finally lost $200.


Watching my mom use an iPhone is like watching a 12 year old girl try and contact her dead grandma on a Ouija board.