drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
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Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Help a bro out
This is everything
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Boss: You’re late
Me: Sorry, my clock was set to Australian time
Boss: That would make today Saturday
Me: You’re right. I’ll go home
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
I never pay for pizza delivery. I always just say something weird like “I got this for us,” & before I know it, they’re speeding away.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.