*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*

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drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”


Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog


Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”


Boss: You’re late

Me: Sorry, my clock was set to Australian time

Boss: That would make today Saturday

Me: You’re right. I’ll go home


Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.

Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.


Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.


I never pay for pizza delivery. I always just say something weird like “I got this for us,” & before I know it, they’re speeding away.


I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.