Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
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I bet Hannibal Lecter was pretty disappointed when he found out a five finger discount had nothing to do with purchasing fingers.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
I’ve started an elimination diet, It’s where I eliminate anyone from my life who talks about their diet.