*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*

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Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.


I bet Hannibal Lecter was pretty disappointed when he found out a five finger discount had nothing to do with purchasing fingers.


Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*

Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man

Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*

Me: touché


My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.


Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.

Me: Sweet.


[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger


Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.


I’ve started an elimination diet, It’s where I eliminate anyone from my life who talks about their diet.