@AimeeHelene1

*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*

You Might Also Like

@KeetPotato

drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”

@okimstillhungry

Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog

@DirtMcTurd

Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”

@Mr_Kapowski

Boss: You’re late

Me: Sorry, my clock was set to Australian time

Boss: That would make today Saturday

Me: You’re right. I’ll go home

@Shade510

Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.

Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.

@timdonakowski

Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.

@liv_thatsme

I never pay for pizza delivery. I always just say something weird like “I got this for us,” & before I know it, they’re speeding away.

@BethStelling

I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.