I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
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everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all