*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into

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Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.


Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.


Coworker: I need someone in the backfill position
Brain: Do. Not. Say. Anything.
Me: um hopefully you fill the gap soon
Brain: oh dear


“I’m doing good, how are you?”

-Me lying out of my lying liar hole


Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?


Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.


Any human mind can learn complicated math, given the right incentives. Just look at the bowling community.


Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.


Her: I like you.
Me: I’m a complete psycho, none of this is an act. Godspeed.


[vaccine research meeting]

Doctor: The virus is global and we need solutions fast

Chemist: We are working on it

Doctor: Anyone else have ideas?

First guy to pee on a jelly fish sting: *raises hand*