@internetluke

[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat

[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat

- @internetluke

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I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.

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HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats

@sumpeoplelikeit

I wish people were more like dogs and you could just give them those three little pats and they’d know our interaction was over.

@HelloJessicaFox

A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.

@Monicann86

*logs onto Facebook*

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*logs off forever*

@motrboatr

There’s no toilet paper in this stall so I guess I live here now.

@neiltyson

QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.