[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
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May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
wow
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.