*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
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dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.