Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
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don鈥檛 think i鈥檝e met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
PILOT: we鈥檒l be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 馃檨
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 馃槷
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what鈥檚 up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
23. the denim jacket
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse