[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
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My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years