Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
You Might Also Like
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Guantanamo Bae
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.