Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
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#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Living the best life.. 😊
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.