@PeachyPixel8

Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold

*cue explosion*

PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN

*fade to black*

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@fro_vo

Judge: has the jury reached a verdict
Jury: yes your honor
Judge: how do you find the defendant
Jury: guilty
Defendant: SEE YOU IN COURT

@fart

the bad guy ships on star trek werent actually “cloaking” they just turned all their lights off

@bossy_bootz

Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now

@dafloydsta

[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?

I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.

@StinkyGr33n

Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”

Me: *Goes home*

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: *falls off a ladder*

Wife: OH MY GOD! ARE YOU INJURED?

Me: *obviously concussed but also bleeding* I’m injured and outjured

@junejuly12

After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is

@FrauFickenDammt

You’d think with all the hiking Dora the Explorer does, she’d be thinner.

@Contwixt

Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.

@bobvulfov

[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted