Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
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My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?