My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
You Might Also Like
My parents made me join the boy scouts and one time we got merit badges for putting our fingerprints on file for the cops and I put rubber cement on my fingertips first in case you were wondering how early I started playing the long game
Spring cleaning checklist…
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
That’s quite a headline
“Ladies, please report immediately to my pants.”
– Me, pretending I’m wearing pants.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
*guy looks around to see if anyone is looking*
*sees the coast is clear, licks tree*
And that’s how they found out about maple syrup
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.