My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
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I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.