@itsthatAsh

Commas are the coolest punctuation, because they’re like “Yeah, you haven’t got time to stop, but you can chill for a little bit.”

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@TheBeerGuy73

Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.

@Brampersandon_

INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course

@ImMelanieGibson

Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.

Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?

@Super_Cynthia

In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.

@Birdhumms

People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.

Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.

@MandiAtRandom

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.

It seems to help

@BitchyJasmine

‘If u insinuate that I’m fat again, I’m leaving you!’ ‘Don’t be selfish, think about the baby.’ ‘What baby?’ ‘Oh, so you’re not pregnant?’

@KalvinMacleod

DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT