ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
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I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
me logging onto twitter
congratulations to them
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Art by Pastelkatto