Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
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*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks