If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
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OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Who’s your best friend?
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!