@_youhadonejob1

Commas. Use them.

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@CheetoBandito77

This lady cashier asked me if I wanted it “double bagged”…I said “No, you’re not THAT ugly…”

And that’s why I’m not allowed in Target.

@Marlebean

They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!

-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale

@AngryRaccoon2

Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.

@lexiedawn

My dog just puked on the floor.

5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!

I like the way this kid thinks!

@mommajessiec

My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.

@SufficientCharm

5 Stages of Pregnancy:

1: Crying

2: Peeing

3: Crying because you peed

4: Peeing because you’re crying

5: The toilet is your home now

@Ygrene

Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?

Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few

@TuSoonShakur

Coach: Ice cream! My treat

Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?

Coach: My treat

@Olivianuzzi

Advice from a gas station attendant in Tennessee to avoid Coronavirus: “take a shot of Wild Turkey 101 before bed. It kills everything.”