I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
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There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly