COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
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Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.