me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
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My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
I needed a laugh this morning.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!