Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Commentator just said that the rain “may just be the tears of a heartbroken nation,” which shows a fundamental misunderstanding of rain.
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Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
texts from ur dentist:
1. Happy birthday! Make sure you sign up for your six month appointment
2. This is a reminder to schedule an appointment!
3. I miss us lol
4. Ur just gna ignore me? lol. I’ve been in ur mouth
Why is your bio written in English but your tweets written in spaghetti?
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to