my fav colour is also hitler
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I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.