I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
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It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.