Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
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[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
when mom throws a party…
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion