@_tomcashman

Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on

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@10TAVY

day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home

@Manali_Shetye5

{Stalker Diary}
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

@urmumsausername

I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?

@deardilettante

A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.

@ShootyDoody

Villain: Does crimes.

Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.

@gavinpivott

I scratch your back, you scratch mine. We die from loss of blood.

@drinkprayfuck

Him: you’re not wearing pants?

Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?

Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?

Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!

@Thing_Finder

I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.

@erconwell

My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.