Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
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I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
(2022)
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.