Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
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If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Does it…does it take 3 days
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
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McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard