@murrman5

[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?

[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?

- @murrman5

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@HairyJew4Life

Women treat me like God.

They only talk to me when they need something.

@Crunch11b

Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.

*at least it’s a short knife.

@samthe8th

When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.

@daneZie

*gets caught breaking into used car lot*
*desperately attempts to blend in with inflatable arm flailing tube men*

@rolldiggity

Sick of all these Santa apologists. A HOME INVASION IS A HOME INVASION.

@djdarrellripley

Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!

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Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.

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@KalvinMacleod

[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*

@WheelTod

When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.

But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.