[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
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My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Fight
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.