[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
You Might Also Like
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
*seductively corrects your posture*
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
crazy
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”