Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
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Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.