*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
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Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Single and childfree like Jesus
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
excuse me