absolutely despicable that gingerbread men are forced to live in houses made of their own flesh
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
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Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swords
How about your kid?
For the last time… I’m not depressed.
This is just how I eat.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.