@duumb

commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today

me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression

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@hippieswordfish

absolutely despicable that gingerbread men are forced to live in houses made of their own flesh

@DrakeGatsby

Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.

@HenpeckedHal

Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swords

How about your kid?

@HomeWithPeanut

I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:

1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.

@whatmaddness

The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.

@slimmy_shady

Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?

@pittdave13

There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room

@FriedWords

I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.