[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”

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“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”

– Vader & therapist


Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly


I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”


So when people say they religiously do something. Does that mean they do it really hypocritically and fairy tale like?


“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada


[Lori Loughlin trial]

JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?

LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis

JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?

LAWYER: Yes, your honor

JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?

LAWYER: Yes, your honor

JUDGE: I’ll allow it


pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle

architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife

pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes


13: I have a friend that doesn’t like baseball, chocolate, or bacon.

Me: Pretty sure that’s not a friend, bro.


[First day of zombie apocalypse]

Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.

Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-

[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?


“Is that your dog?”

“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”