@EndhooS

[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”

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@aka_fatman

“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”

– Vader & therapist

@loudmouth_usa

Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly

@birbigs

I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”

@JoeP187

So when people say they religiously do something. Does that mean they do it really hypocritically and fairy tale like?

@JohnLyonTweets

“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada

@TheToddWilliams

[Lori Loughlin trial]

JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?

LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis

JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?

LAWYER: Yes, your honor

JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?

LAWYER: Yes, your honor

JUDGE: I’ll allow it

@GoodZiIIa

pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle

architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife

pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes

@kcmoore51

13: I have a friend that doesn’t like baseball, chocolate, or bacon.

Me: Pretty sure that’s not a friend, bro.

@HomeWithPeanut

[First day of zombie apocalypse]

Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.

Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-

[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?

@0point5twins

“Is that your dog?”

“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”