Sometimes I think I’m a relatively smart person. Other times I put my shoes on before my pants and realize who I really am.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
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“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Best observation on financial markets that anyone has ever made or will ever make:
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Match dot com, but for socks.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
I’m no architect, but I don’t think it’s possible to build a city on rock and roll.
WIFE:Someone’s broken in
ME *grabs baseball bat*Wait here
PAL:Can’t u just tell her u wanna play baseball
M: Keep ur voice down