Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
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[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Squirrels are just rats who blow dry their tails.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.