[commercial for babies]

*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*

Narrator: don’t you hate this?

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Sometimes I think I’m a relatively smart person. Other times I put my shoes on before my pants and realize who I really am.


“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”

-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine


Best observation on financial markets that anyone has ever made or will ever make:


Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.


[Whole Foods]
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*


Wife: “Bad day?”

Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”

Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”


Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C


I’m no architect, but I don’t think it’s possible to build a city on rock and roll.


WIFE:Someone’s broken in
ME *grabs baseball bat*Wait here
PAL:Can’t u just tell her u wanna play baseball
M: Keep ur voice down