@thedad

[commercial for babies]

*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*

Narrator: don’t you hate this?

You Might Also Like

@Scdavis24

Sometimes I think I’m a relatively smart person. Other times I put my shoes on before my pants and realize who I really am.

@Parkerlawyer

“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”

-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine

@pmarca

Best observation on financial markets that anyone has ever made or will ever make:

@heatherlou_

Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.

@kendragaylord

[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*

@withanewname

Wife: “Bad day?”

Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”

Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”

@BigJDubz

Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C

@CountGripsnatch

I’m no architect, but I don’t think it’s possible to build a city on rock and roll.

@ArfMeasures

WIFE:Someone’s broken in
ME *grabs baseball bat*Wait here
[downstairs]
PAL:Can’t u just tell her u wanna play baseball
M: Keep ur voice down