[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
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Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them