@KimmyMonte

{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?

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@DaddyJew

When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.

@Lisa_Laughs_

I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.

@StellaGMaddox

5: “Mommy why not?”

Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”

5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”

@Scottzilla667

Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.

@VelouriaDaze

*walks into lift*
Guy: going down?
Me: I’ll need a first date for that.

*silence*

*doors open*

Dammit Twitter!

@SteelFontana

I’m always creeped out by the guy who seems to know the age of consent laws a little too well.

@iamburtjarvis

HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:

STEP 1: buy a recliner

STEP 2: buy some beer

STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods

@krustythe_klown

Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.

@MarfSalvador

[dinner date]

me: here, let me get the door for you

her: no I got it

me: ffs it’s MY microwave