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ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”


Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer


I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.


Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.

Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows


[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.


Driving isn’t about making the moves you want, it’s about preventing others from making the moves they want.


Cat: Meow

Me: Hi

Cat: Meoww

*picks up cat*

Cat: Meowww

*puts cat down*

Cat: Meowwww

*feeds cat*

Cat: Meowwwww