@KimmyMonte

{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?

You Might Also Like

@truegritrumble

SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”

@Rollmaninoz

Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer

@FlyJ_

I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.

@Jenny4ashley

Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.

Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows

@Playing_Dad

[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.

@thesulk

Driving isn’t about making the moves you want, it’s about preventing others from making the moves they want.

@Beardson

Cat: Meow

Me: Hi

Cat: Meoww

*picks up cat*

Cat: Meowww

*puts cat down*

Cat: Meowwww

*feeds cat*

Cat: Meowwwww

Me: WHAT DO YOU WANT?