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When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.


I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.


5: “Mommy why not?”

Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”

5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”


Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.


*walks into lift*
Guy: going down?
Me: I’ll need a first date for that.


*doors open*

Dammit Twitter!


I’m always creeped out by the guy who seems to know the age of consent laws a little too well.



STEP 1: buy a recliner

STEP 2: buy some beer

STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods


Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.


[dinner date]

me: here, let me get the door for you

her: no I got it

me: ffs it’s MY microwave