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Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Still my favourite meme.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?