[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
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😜
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.