[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
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Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
the official breakfast of 2021
I’m giving up ice.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.