[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
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The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless