[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
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Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Sometimes? I’m slipping