*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
(commercial for drugs)
Man: Nothing is working out in my life
VO: Have you tried drugs?
Man: (startled) Who said that
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What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
When I think about you, I touch myself…..
……I rub my temples because you give me a goddamn headache…