(commercial for drugs)

Man: Nothing is working out in my life
VO: Have you tried drugs?
Man: (startled) Who said that

Narrator: “Drugs”

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*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well

*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually


[job interview]

What’s your biggest weakness?

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.


*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*


Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.


Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?

Me: Why? What’ve you got?


Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.

Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?

Me: Not to you


Dentist: How often do you floss?

Dracula: Every day

Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.

Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.


I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.


There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.


When I think about you, I touch myself…..

……I rub my temples because you give me a goddamn headache…