Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
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People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh