*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
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*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
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All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Bring brownies to work.
Spend the rest of the day asking coworkers, “you feelin anything yet?”
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Right now the parents of the kid who climbed Trump Tower are thinking “Damn I knew we shouldn’t have given him that REI gift card”
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Friend told me she’s never quite sure if I am joking. Told her, neither am I.