@Six_Pack_Mom
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
@justabloodygame
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
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@Six_Pack_Mom
@KeetPotato
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
@ArfMeasures
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
@DadandBuried
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
@weirdralph
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
@ItsAndyRyan
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of ?
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
@HairyJew4Life
Filing taxes is so depressing.
Do you own a home? No.
Have a spouse? Not even close.
Kids? Not that I know of.Enjoy your refund, loser
@Try2StopME
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
@daemonic3
me: i always get so hungry when i’m high, want some taco bell?
driving test instructor: no
@jjax44
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.