@AndyAsAdjective
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
@justabloodygame
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
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@AndyAsAdjective
@TheBoydP
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
@Smooheed
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
@imadepoopstoday
Bring brownies to work.
Spend the rest of the day asking coworkers, “you feelin anything yet?”
@jctwritesstuff
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
@parkersJoking
Right now the parents of the kid who climbed Trump Tower are thinking “Damn I knew we shouldn’t have given him that REI gift card”
@iamspacegirl
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
@RealSamHarwood
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
@batkaren
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
@_oculusmundi
Friend told me she’s never quite sure if I am joking. Told her, neither am I.