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*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
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I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
I have questions??
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.