{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
You Might Also Like
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
*gets down on one knee*
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet