[commercial for gymnastics]

Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?

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what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves


My favorite part about Harry Potter is the imaginary world it takes place in. I often wonder what England would be like if it was real.


Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that


[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”



My mom won’t stop calling the turkey baster “the squirter” and I can’t keep it together.


I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.


“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”

“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”


I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.


It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood splatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.