@TheWoodenslurpy

[commercial for gymnastics]

Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?

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@frickashley

what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves

@Home_Halfway

My favorite part about Harry Potter is the imaginary world it takes place in. I often wonder what England would be like if it was real.

@aparnapkin

Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that

@internetluke

[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”

“…”
Vibrate?

@PondHockeyPro

My mom won’t stop calling the turkey baster “the squirter” and I can’t keep it together.

@papasuncle

I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

@kiralc

“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”

“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”

@TheAlexNevil

I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.

@LostInAisle3

It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood splatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.