[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
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If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you