{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
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Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.