[Commercial for hobbies]

Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.


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Me*suspicious the neighbor is a cannibal*:”Do U find this is a tough neighborhood?
Neighbor:”Na, u just use a slow cooker.


I just wrote a check for 6 dollars, so I don’t really wanna hear about your ‘summer’ house.


If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.


ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species


Finding out your ex has a bad life is like finding 100 $ in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.


Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.


‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’

(Me to my kids)


Waiter: what can I get you gentlemen

Friend: I’ll have a hamburger and he’ll have th-

Me: -dude I’m an adult I can order myself

Friend: okay sorry go ahead

Me: 69 orders of french fries please


Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.