[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
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“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Thinking about Jeff
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably